Page 19 - The Alchemists Way
P. 19

chapter one


I owned a big house, drove a Porsche and an SUV, ran a successful cloth- 

ing distribution business and had lots of money—all this by the time I was 

in my mid-twenties. At the same time, I was constantly under high stress and 

fearful of not meeting my huge business expenses. To make it through the 

day, I would smoke a cigarette, and then another one—in all, between thir- 

ty to forty Camel Filters a day. Smoking a cigarette was the last thing I did 

before going to sleep, and I often woke up with one in my mouth.

I had a short fuse. To compensate for my underlying fears—fear of con- 

lict, fear of abandonment, fear of failure—I walked around with my ists 

clenched, transmitting a message of “don’t mess with me”. I was friendly with 

my ifty employees, but they were also scared of me, knowing that if some- 

thing was not done to my liking, I would likely call one of them into my 

oice and start shouting. Never far from the surface of my genial face was 

an underlying state of grumpy annoyance. here was likewise lots of aggres- 

sion in my relationship with my girlfriend, who then became my ianć.

Physically, I was falling apart. In my teens I had been super-it, practicing 

martial arts, playing squash and regularly going to the gym. All the discipline 

I had previously devoted to physical exercise I now threw into my work. I 

realized how out of shape I was when, one day, I was walking my beautiful 

Rottweiler in the street and had trouble breathing and became dizzy. Although 

the event shook me, I continued working too hard and smoking too much.

I was clearly unhappy, but, possessing no awareness of my emotions, if 

you had asked me how I was feeling I would have said ‘okay’. Born under 

the sign of Scorpio, I am good at masking how I am feeling. Most friends, 

and even my sister, perceived me as being carefree. Later, I came to realise 

that to a large extent I was dissociated, but this word meant nothing to me 

at the time.

I became engaged to my girlfriend because she wanted to get married; 


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